A recursion to infinity

Posted by Zave | Posted in , , | Posted on 01:54

0

I miss those days.
When I was a kid.
When all of this mattered,
Mattered even more!

The days coming to an end,
When I start to miss the days gone,
Living in the believe these would come again!
But I don't now,
Its the feeling,
The feeling of enjoying,
Every passing moment,
Every small detail,
The looks of the muddy idol,
The sense of its style,
The attitude hidden within it,
The feeling of oneness,
That is what I've lost now!

I'm sitting alone,
Along with my ever friend,
My intelligent partner,
And I think I'm happy!
My happiness is so limited,
So unreal,
So materialistic,
So pathetic,
That I'm ashamed,
Ashamed of being me!
Knowing its wrong,
But not set this right,
I realize it,
I'm made to realize it,
And yet I love to live,
Live this way,
Like I can't be better,
Still searching,
Searching what I lost,
Doubting if I ever had that.

I'm scared!
I'm scared to death!
I'm scared of thinking,
Thinking too deep,
If I can't ever fathom this space,
If everything remain a mystery,
I fear failure,
I fear losing my believes,
Losing the only thing that I have,
The false impression of living happily!

I see myself in frames,
I walk in frames,
I talk in frames,
I think in frames,
I feel in frames,
Frames and frames!
That is all left in me,
Or rather that is all I know,
'Cause I never tried otherwise!
I can't feel the truth,
I see myself in a glass frame,
Trapped in a recursion to infinity,
I just seem to feel people,
People laughing at me,
People trying to pull into the real world,
I try to break out,
I do that too!
And then I realize,
The futility of my hard work,
It was all an illusion,
I'm still there,
Still a recursion to infinity!
Still trying to break through,
Still living in infinity!
Still searching for my existence!

This seems simple-
I live in this world,
The world is in the earth,
The earth is in the galaxy,
But where is all this in?
I've ever learnt to think no one can be complete,
And that is what I try to do,
Search the ultimate soul,
But where does He come from?
Who holds the string above Him?
And then who is above Him?
And again it starts,
From where it all began,
A recursion still,
But now even infinity is missing!
Where is infinity itself?
Where do I find it?
Why can't I realize?
Why do I live?
Why do I think it this way?
Why do I want to live?
Why?
Questions remain unanswered!

I ask

Posted by Zave | Posted in , , , , , | Posted on 01:20

0

"I feel this every day",
Do I really feel so?
I ask every day,
Or is it just this stupid moment?

"We are not going to last",
A figment of my imagination?
I ask every day,
Or is it the ultimate truth?

"She understands herself",
Does she really?
I ask every day,
Or is she still living in a dream?

"She loves me",
Does she?
I ask every day,
Or is it she doesn't know yet?

"She does understand me",
Does she?
I ask every day,
Or is she as ignorant as others?

"She will always be there",
Will she really?
I ask every day,
Or will she just pass on someday?

"I feel so confused",
Is it just 'cause of me?
I ask every day,
Or is she playing a part too?

"She is the one, after her",
Is she?
I ask every day,
Or will her place always remain vacant?

"She doesn't understand me",
Does she need time?
I ask every day,
Or can she never come up to it?

"I love her, the way I feel",
Do I really?
I ask every day,
Or is it not exactly that?

"I'm not trying to lie",
Am I not?
I ask every day,
Or am I trying to pretend?

"I'm losing her",
Is it a fact?
I ask every day,
Or am I just not in my minds?

"I'm right in writing this",
Am I?
I ask every day,
Or is it worst thing I've done so far?

"She'll be shattered when she reads this",
Will she?
I ask every day,
Or will she connect to it some how?

"I don't know, I don't have a clue",
Is it true?
I ask every day,
Or is it I don't want to hear the why?

"Does she feel the same way?"
That is one question I ask,
I ask every day,
Every time I feel this way!

I miss you!

Posted by Zave | Posted in , , , , , , | Posted on 19:43

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Its difficult to say this,
To say I cry like a child!
You'll not believe your eyes,
To see me suffer so much!
My sleepless eyes all red,
My sad face going blue,
My unspoken words drying out,
And my mad minds got no clue!
And yet I write my love,
I write it only for you!

And the way I've become,
I can blame it on one,
For I know its who,
And so you should too,
But I know too well,
What you feel,
Might be worse than me!
And don't let me guess.....
'Cause I'm not the best to do!
For I've friends to share my sorrow,
But you lack a lot of that too!

I watch a movie,
Feeling so good,
And suddenly my belly aches,
But there is no pain!
My head spins around,
But I'm standing straight!
My heart races against time,
But it cant beat that!
And then I know,
This emptiness in me,
I miss you!

I drown myself deep in thoughts,
"The sweet life, with a venomous taste",
"Dreams, too good to be true",
"Emptiness, my biggest foe",
"Love, I cant live without",
"Fear, I cant conquer",
"Duty, which defies death",
And the one which stands out,
"I miss you more than anything else"!

I lay down on my couch,
My head still spinning,
My heart still not wining,
Memories coming back,
Making me smile,
Words I hear making me laugh,
And that cute face of yours,
I cant resist kissing!

And I begin to hate my techs!
Why can it only hold your memories?
Memories as true as life,
While I live by my fading thoughts,
Thoughts I can never rely!
And I remember you say,
"If only we could hold thoughts,
How good it would have been"!
And I begin to believe you,
You are always right,
No matter what you think in!

And so I should live in hope,
And so I live my life hoping,
Hopes of a better future,
Hopes of a future with you,
Hopes that you'll stay,
Hopes that I'll be there too,
Hopes your words have built!
Hopes which will turn to reality!

But before I say anymore,
Let me remind you,
I'm a feverish soul!
Never mind my words,
And as my vision fades out,
In the ocean of the colorless,
Let me tell you one last time,
"I'm there, whenever you want"!
And, "I miss you, my Love"!

I Never Thought...

Posted by Zave | Posted in , , , | Posted on 01:12

2

"But I'm alone", I thought,
"I'm destined to be so"!
And I accepted it and went on!
On and on... In this teeming world,
Loving the loneliness within me,
Entertaining none but the lonesome me,
Counting every passing minute alone!
And for me that was it,
My heavenly truth of life!
My adventurous way of living!
My not so lucky fate!

'Cause,
I never thought I would love again,
I never thought of being loved again!

Not that this was what I believed,
Not that I was eternally convinced!
Never failing to curse my half life,
I did drag my body along,
Searching for its soul,
I had lost long ago,
So here was I,
Praying and wishing for it,
As my corpse lay on the way,
Decaying and melting away!

But none could I find,
None so unsophisticated,
None who could match her,
Her love, her understanding!
And I felt it was time.....
Time to end this ignorance,
And stop having a childish mind;
Time to interpret the signs,
Rather than keeping them aside;
Time to teach myself,
"Accept and give,
But don't expect while you live"!
So, I rooted my trust in me!

'Cause,
I never thought of a brighter life ahead,
I never thought I was so near being dead!

And yet again I did lose it,
I saw that trust betrayed!
And the jinx did break,
As you walked into my life,
One who could brag in much earlier,
One who could never come at all,
One who was just a chance,
One who was really a no one!
But you were with a difference,
Like an angel to show me,
The way my life is to go,
Making me realize myself!

Suddenly I felt so lucky!
My silent prayers seemed answered,
My secret hopes fulfilled!
As I started dreaming again,
But with my eyes wide open!
I was like an atheist,
Finding proof of God!
Like I got a second life,
A life after death,
I never believed in!
Yet you made me believe,
The unbelievable truth!
"There is love still"!

'Cause,
I never thought you would make me relive,
I never thought you would make me believe!

And still when I wonder,
Wonder why you chose me?
I have a real vague idea,
'Cause I see no good in me!
I'm not an Antony,
All my thoughts are always muddled!
I'm not an Einstein,
Even though I'm not that dull!
I'm not a Brutus,
I've my share of mistakes!
I'm not an Edward,
I'll wither away and die!

But rightly did I call you,
Just before time ran out,
Before the distance so grew,
That it couldn't be traveled!
Then amidst my mental chaos,
My heart winked at me,
And I knew it was right!
And while I do curse myself,
For I made you cry,
Even if I didn't want you in pain,
Yet I do have the courage now,
To see you smile again!

'Cause,
I never thought you could love me,
I never thought you could be my destiny!

Once again I saw love,
Love that mattered most,
Love for the way I am!
It was a shock for me,
Someone who has not known,
Not faced love for an infinity!
But has lived only in the shadow,
Shadow of his past,
A past, sweet and poisonous!
But you pulled me out,
Brought back my senses!
A task to which most had failed,
You seemed to do in a single day!

You had a lot to say,
You said a lot too!
Its just that you don't know,
What you did do!
Small things you did,
Smaller things you said,
And that changed me!
Your love made me,
Strive for excellence!
Your love made me perfect!
As if I wanted nothing else,
Your love made me complete!

'Cause,
I never thought I didn't let her go away!
I never thought you would make me move away!

Now this is my life,
As envious as it can get,
The best I could ever have,
The best I could dream of!
And now its you.....only you.....
My thoughts governed by you,
My heart beats for you!
My words speak of you!
My lips smile for you!
My eyes wander in your search!
My hands craving for your touch!

And while I do have nightmares,
Where I dream of losing you,
'Cause I'm always the unlucky one,
Yet I have faith in you,
I know you will be there!
And I'm living by the hope,
That someday you'll be mine forever,
Someday I'll witness the forgotten,
See my body unite with its soul!
And till then I live with the memories,
Memories of my joyous past,
Days I cherish,
Days I wanna relive....

'Cause,
I never thought of a day without you,
I never thought of anyone but you!

Why?

Posted by Zave | Posted in , , , , | Posted on 15:15

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Sleep, its away a million mile!
Be calm, that is what I try!
With thoughts I can't stop,
Which come back to make me smile!
Thoughts, which sometimes make me cry!

We can make a hell out of Heaven!
And that is what I'm doing now,
Its difficult to explain,
Months passed - not even seven!
And I miss her every second now!

Getting suspicious of every wisp of air,
Which might give her an unpleasant taste!
For I can't stand her pain!
Even though it might look its not fair,
Like she'll say, "Its a time you waste"!

But, enough were the reasons I had given her to hate,
Enough were the miseries that I had lend,
Miseries which flowed as pain and tears!
Pain, that she took as her fate,
And tears, which never seemed to end!

And I always repent those days,
Those days which could develop a crack,
A crack I never wanted to own!
'Cause I never liked those ways,
Days I wish I could take back!

But I've buried that past,
In the grave by love and trust,
Dug with the hands of time,
Which is getting covered steady and fast,
With the never ending smile's rust!

And now that I've fell in love with her,
Let me tell you why?
Let me explain you all,
Why I couldn't run away from her?
Even though once I did try!

She tells me things no one had said ever,
The things alien even to me!
She is like my inner self!
And that is why I love her,
That is why I turned the "I" into "we"!

She understands me like no one before,
She knows exactly what I feel,
Knows me better than myself,
And for all my emotions she has a cure,
And there is not even a single she can't heal!

She is a preserver of my history,
Like a part of my archeological crew,
She brings myself to me!
Where the best of me remains no mystery,
While I stare at the old me and the new!

She loves me so much that I don't keep track,
Of the time it has been there or born!
And I can't deny her love!
'Cause it takes a lot to bring back,
The one who was nearly lost and gone!

Now I love her more than everyone,
Love her the way she is,
And so strong is that love,
That I can't let her go with anyone,
For I know what I'll miss!

And if she lets go of this any day,
I'll walk "A thousand Miles",
Trying to win her back,
But if she is too far away,
I'll let her be where she smiles,
For its all that I wish,
While I'll still be waiting here,
Living in the feeling that we were once in love,
Even though she'll hate me for saying this,
This is just what I am my dear!

I for we

Posted by Zave | Posted in , , , | Posted on 15:02

0

And then.....

You might wonder,
I'm fine,
Think again...
This is not the end...

Its my life...
A group of five...
Not that I know...
What I say...

But today...
I speak of truth,
Truth unknown,
I thought I knew one,
But now I see many,
Who can know me...
One who are true to me...
To say who I am!

To say the truth...
And never think of its fruit!
To spit on the face...
And never leave a trace,
Of the hatred!

Since I want to know me,
To correct every details,
To right all my privacy,
And love to be an open book,
To be my friend's cook,
To feed all...
To stand for my friends...all...

No matter what they say...
No matter what it costs...
I have my life...
I have to strife...
For one, once and for all...

U think that is it?
Think again...
I'll be back...


This is a continuation of the previous poem, if you can call it so, because I wrote it after I had a bit more of the bloody alcohol!

P.S. - Its the sequel to "We all".

We all

Posted by Zave | Posted in , , | Posted on 21:38

0

Its confusing,
What I write,
What I say,
Its tough explaining,
Friends to fight for,
To die...

Its confusing,
I can't explain!
Emotions I know,
Seem empty,
Its something new,
And as I'm drunk,
The words are few!

I now pen for my friends,
Resetting all trends,
Telling the truth,
Finding friends I hate,
Friends, I love,
And hate I had not met,
To make my day,
And everyday,
To a heaven of hell,
A hell of life,
And a heaven of ash tray!

I hate them for togetherness,
Why I'm not like them?
Why can't I love,
And feel the oneness?
To fell their heart beat,
And their love...
To go on for them to the street/1

And never think I'm finished,
As I'm not,
I'll come back to haunt,
To taunt,
Everyone I love,
My friends above all,
And then.....


P.S. - I wrote this when I was in second year, while I was drunk!

Retracing steps

Posted by Zave | Posted in , , , | Posted on 02:01

0

"My life has moved on,
But I'm still there hanging,
On to my beautiful past!"
She whispers everyday,
Silently, and in loneliness,
Scared of being over heard!
She is tired of rules,
Which restrict her life,
She wants to be free again,
Live a life of fame!

She cant be like this!
Her thoughts can't wonder,
Searching for a better now,
While the future teases her,
Challenges her to move in!
Like a beast in waiting,
Wanting the prey come a bit close,
And then tear it to pieces,
Spill out its blood,
And chew the hacked
Leaving on some bits,
For the scavengers to feed!

Her gifted mind seems worthless,
Her ambition bears no fruit!
There is nothing which can test her,
Its like a stagnant pool,
The water is clear,
But is calm, undisturbed,
'Like it has got no use!

Her heart is the one in flames,
Ignited by love,
Now fueled by betrayal!
But her heart wants to love still,
Her heart wants to be loved,
But trust is what she can't find!
She is scared of it,
Trust and be betrayed!
She is tired of trusting,
Once which seemed her hobby!
She was warned,
Warned of heartbreak!
But she saw the future,
The bright side of life,
Leaving behind the dirt,
Emerging from the shadow of the past!
But she forgot,
History repeats itself!
And so it did...

Now she seeks refuge,
In the still dark past,
'Cause she is aware of it,
Past plays no pranks,
It shows as it is!
Live or leave it,
That is up to you!
She lives, never leaves!
Can't face the dazzling future,
She once was crazy about!
She slowly retraces her steps,
Trying to start again,
From where things went right,
Now seemingly wrong!

Severing all ties with the present,
To see the future anew!
A future she'll nurture,
Thinking of her past,
Glowing and dark!

And here I am,
Watching her journey,
As she steps back and forth!
I want to mark the path,
Guide her through her life,
Show her a better way,
As I always wanted to,
Walk by her side,
Never let her out of my sight!
But she has to ask,
Show the trust I saw then,
And as my hands are served,
I can't hold her hands,
But will show her the way,
Guide her through,
Whispering along the way,
I'm there...
I was always...
I always will...

Let go...

Posted by Zave | Posted in , , , , | Posted on 19:04

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"I love you!
I always will!"
I still repeat,
But only in whispers,
In my silent, dark loneliness,
Where I stand alone,
Still loving her,
Even though now deserted!
'Cause I love her,
I want to see her smile,
Whether in my arms,
Or where her heart shall lie!

I gaze back,
Plunge deep into my past,
When I saw her smile,
Smiling for me!
When I felt her heart,
Beating for me!
When I looked into her eyes,
Searching for me!
When I heard her speak,
Spelling my name!
When I felt her lips,
Kissing me again and again!
When I loved her,
And she loved me, forever!

Its history now,
That will never repeat!
My heart knows it well,
'Cause I was the one to plan it!
I gave up all for her,
Though she never asked!
I don't regret it,
I will never do!
It was my choice,
To be with her,
And see her live,
Or, to let her go,
And see her love!
"Its better to see her smile,
Shimmering at a distance,
Then not to see at all",
I thought!
And so I etched a plan,
To get them together again!
While I was happy to be the best man!

'Cause I could feel her love,
A love made for him,
A love which still loved him!
Even though she never said,
'Cause she never did realize,
But my heart had read,
The love for him inside!
And that is why,
I turned her love,
To the way it should be,
Towards her true love,
Which was definitely not me!

She loved him,
From time immemorial,
Before love she could know!
But don't know why things went wrong,
She was alone in the raining snow!
Where I saw her crying,
Lonely and dejected!
I was a ray of hope,
Mistaken as love,
Committed by us, both!
And while I loved her,
Loved her with all I had,
She never really could,
'Cause she had no heart,
Her heart was still with him,
Someone she couldn't part!

So here I am again,
Walking these empty streets,
Walking alone!
Feeling the grasses she tread upon,
Smelling the trees she leaned on,
Watching the book she wrote on,
Listening to her favourite song!
Doing all this and more,
Yes, with a heavy heart!
But with this much relief,
That she is smiling somewhere,
Smiling with her heart,
And I do have a hand in it,
Even though just a little part!

Three Passions of Bertrand Russell

Posted by Zave | Posted in | Posted on 02:44

0

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.



I found this poem awesome, so I posted this here.
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